So I get this phone call out of nowhere, and he tells me he wants $100,000 or my girlfriend gets it. “Gets what?” I said, thinking maybe he’s talking about one of those new BMWs cause that I can live with. He says gets it means she gets offed, whacked, done in and I have a pretty good idea what that means. But I’m still kind of bummed about the beamer cause they got good financing going on now.

photo by Triskay86

photo by Triskay86

“What can I get for 1 grand?” I ask. He says he’ll send me an arm. I guess that was risky. You don’t trifle with abductors. I wonder though if the rest of her will be ok even if I can’t have it all. I don’t have to ask though cause when I say what about two grand he says both arms. So I figure that means for Five g’s I get arms, legs and the head. Which means you only get what you pay for so for about 6 grand I get all of them; that I can afford.

He says for six I get everything delivered in a refrigerated truck, and I see that the other 94 grand is for the service of NOT cutting her into pieces. I ask if they’ll take a trade in, cause I got an Audi that’s still worth at least 30K. He asks me who the hell I think I’m fucking with, and I say, “I don’t know what’s your name,” and he doesn’t say.

Then I tell him I’m not that attached to her, so I’ll hand over the 94K, and he can just open the back door and kick her out and not even bother with the refrigerated truck. He must want that beamer too cause he holds to the 100 thou. And he won’t take payments or trades.

So I just cough it up, and now I’ve got a girlfriend. I never had one before but she’s pretty cute, if not fully functional. I wonder how much I’ll be able to get for her.

-M